Today
So
Last night i had a long talk with my sponser. It was after i shared some stuff in the meeting about what's been going on with me...how i have been feeling lost,sad,lonely and depressed, and how i have been having thoughts about using and how i called Kevin. I didn't want to talk to him. I only wanted to hear his voice and I did on his anwsering machine. That made me get the same kind of adreniline rush that i always get when it comes to him.
But anyways, after i shared she said she was sad. first that i was struggling and in a bad place and that i was having thoughts about using and secondly that she was sad that i had called K and not called her or someone else in my support group and that if that is what i was gonna do then, maybe she shouldn't be my sponser.
well that started me on a emotional rollercoaster of feelings. i become weepy (and i NEVER cry) and unsure of myself and i felt awful. then after the meetinfg we had a long talk in her truck. she wanted to know why i didn't trust her and i told her that i am afraid to tell her some stuff because i am afraid of her reactiona nd how she will treat me. i don't like to be told that my actions/thoughts are wrong and that i need to shape up. she then said that if i am blamming her for my stuf than she really couldn't be my sponser. so, i cried and moaned and we talked it out. i get to work a new round of the steps, starting at step 1...We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and our lives were unmanageable....out of the step working guide. Actually, i am very happy about this. i had wanted to work the steps from 1-12 with her from when i first asked her to be my sponser so that i have a save way to show her all my ugly nooks and cranies.
I don't know. did i want attention?? Why did i share that about calling Kev?? when i actuallity i have been calling his machine and listening to his f****** up messages for ever?? did i want attention since i wasn't the queen of the night?? did i want a crisis?? I think i am really finally after all this time ready to let go of his sorry abusive addictive ass. that means totally letting go of everything. forgiving him and forgiving myself for loving him. i know that once i can accomplish that i will be opne to a new relationship with a man and as long as i continue to hold on to him i have no place in my heart or head for anyone.
It is so hard to let him go. we were together for sooo long, almost 20years. And although i have had sex with countless other men, he was my only true lover, my only boyfriend my only husband, the only man, i have ever loved. and i felt like, as he did, we were soulmates. that is one of those things that only happens once in a life time, abuse or not.
Comments?? Feedback???
Last night i had a long talk with my sponser. It was after i shared some stuff in the meeting about what's been going on with me...how i have been feeling lost,sad,lonely and depressed, and how i have been having thoughts about using and how i called Kevin. I didn't want to talk to him. I only wanted to hear his voice and I did on his anwsering machine. That made me get the same kind of adreniline rush that i always get when it comes to him.
But anyways, after i shared she said she was sad. first that i was struggling and in a bad place and that i was having thoughts about using and secondly that she was sad that i had called K and not called her or someone else in my support group and that if that is what i was gonna do then, maybe she shouldn't be my sponser.
well that started me on a emotional rollercoaster of feelings. i become weepy (and i NEVER cry) and unsure of myself and i felt awful. then after the meetinfg we had a long talk in her truck. she wanted to know why i didn't trust her and i told her that i am afraid to tell her some stuff because i am afraid of her reactiona nd how she will treat me. i don't like to be told that my actions/thoughts are wrong and that i need to shape up. she then said that if i am blamming her for my stuf than she really couldn't be my sponser. so, i cried and moaned and we talked it out. i get to work a new round of the steps, starting at step 1...We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and our lives were unmanageable....out of the step working guide. Actually, i am very happy about this. i had wanted to work the steps from 1-12 with her from when i first asked her to be my sponser so that i have a save way to show her all my ugly nooks and cranies.
I don't know. did i want attention?? Why did i share that about calling Kev?? when i actuallity i have been calling his machine and listening to his f****** up messages for ever?? did i want attention since i wasn't the queen of the night?? did i want a crisis?? I think i am really finally after all this time ready to let go of his sorry abusive addictive ass. that means totally letting go of everything. forgiving him and forgiving myself for loving him. i know that once i can accomplish that i will be opne to a new relationship with a man and as long as i continue to hold on to him i have no place in my heart or head for anyone.
It is so hard to let him go. we were together for sooo long, almost 20years. And although i have had sex with countless other men, he was my only true lover, my only boyfriend my only husband, the only man, i have ever loved. and i felt like, as he did, we were soulmates. that is one of those things that only happens once in a life time, abuse or not.
Comments?? Feedback???
posted by Queen Amy at 9:13 AM
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