Ok, so,
Sunday morning. I like Sundays. I like the fact that I don't have to do anything and that i can sit around and be lazy.
Went to the Holiday market-y thing at the Fairgrounds with dawn yesterday. Bought myself a leather coat for 50 bucks at the close out sale they also had going on there. I needed a new coat. I have that suede one that Dan bought for me when I worked at New Horizons, but that one is incredibly hot and I have my destroyed motorcycle jacket and my green parka, but I didn't have a nice coat. Now, I have one. It was cool hanging out with Dawn again. I do miss her company, and I don't care what Angela has to say about that. She says she is gonan quit group. I don't think she can take the criticism. We do tend to group her a lot. But, she needs a lot of help. I think it is an Oma thing. Do I have a resentment? YES. Do I care? Some what. My ego is still bruised from that whole thing with her (Oma). I mean she was my sponser and the fact that I "don't have her back" has absoluteluy nothing to do with sponser/sponsee relationship, which is suppose to be about working the steps and learning about how to stay clean. She can't trust me she says..because I disagreed with her opinion that night months ago in the business meeting about what is a group concisious. Trust? I already ahve a hard enough time trusting people and getting vulnerable enough to bear my soul and this hasn't fixed that. I need to work on letting this go and moving on. I need a new sponser. I am torn on who to ask. Maybe Donna S? Or go with asking a man so I can work on my non-trust issue with men.
Oh and then men thing. All I ever wanted was for one fo them to think me special, to put me in a speical, reseved place in their heart. To ove and cherish me above all else. To not abuse me. To play nice. To be appreciative when I give my all to them. To take my vulnerable inner self and treat it with respect. What did I get?? pain and humiliation. hospital visit and addiction. betrayal and lies. abuse. usuary. From my dad and then from kevin. Is it no wonder that starting a relatinship with a man scares the shit out of me? I mean I got a lot of baggage. here. I get Flashbacks during sex from the sexual abuse and deviant acts my wondeful husband forced me to perform. none of them really like me or want to be with me. I am fat and old. All they want is sex. And even if they do want to be with me, how can they be trusted? If i do chose to do something for me, I do not trust that I will be able to in a relationship. And that is why i ahven't had a date in what is it, 7 years?? I am soo fucking scared of men and unwilling to touch that deep, deep wound and face that crap that it seems easier to remain single. And that ain't too bad. I don't have to check in with anybody. I can do what i want. nobody to anser to. Most of the time ((MOST)) I am willing to suffer the loss of that level of intimacy in order to keep my fear and stuff locked away. On occassion, like today, I can get to feeling sorry for myself and beat myself up about my fear. It is trade-off and it is about what I am willing to do.
In other news, I am going to buy myself an X-Box for Chanukah. I wasn't sure which to by, an X-box or a PS2. They" re both the same price. I am opting for the x-box
Went to the Holiday market-y thing at the Fairgrounds with dawn yesterday. Bought myself a leather coat for 50 bucks at the close out sale they also had going on there. I needed a new coat. I have that suede one that Dan bought for me when I worked at New Horizons, but that one is incredibly hot and I have my destroyed motorcycle jacket and my green parka, but I didn't have a nice coat. Now, I have one. It was cool hanging out with Dawn again. I do miss her company, and I don't care what Angela has to say about that. She says she is gonan quit group. I don't think she can take the criticism. We do tend to group her a lot. But, she needs a lot of help. I think it is an Oma thing. Do I have a resentment? YES. Do I care? Some what. My ego is still bruised from that whole thing with her (Oma). I mean she was my sponser and the fact that I "don't have her back" has absoluteluy nothing to do with sponser/sponsee relationship, which is suppose to be about working the steps and learning about how to stay clean. She can't trust me she says..because I disagreed with her opinion that night months ago in the business meeting about what is a group concisious. Trust? I already ahve a hard enough time trusting people and getting vulnerable enough to bear my soul and this hasn't fixed that. I need to work on letting this go and moving on. I need a new sponser. I am torn on who to ask. Maybe Donna S? Or go with asking a man so I can work on my non-trust issue with men.
Oh and then men thing. All I ever wanted was for one fo them to think me special, to put me in a speical, reseved place in their heart. To ove and cherish me above all else. To not abuse me. To play nice. To be appreciative when I give my all to them. To take my vulnerable inner self and treat it with respect. What did I get?? pain and humiliation. hospital visit and addiction. betrayal and lies. abuse. usuary. From my dad and then from kevin. Is it no wonder that starting a relatinship with a man scares the shit out of me? I mean I got a lot of baggage. here. I get Flashbacks during sex from the sexual abuse and deviant acts my wondeful husband forced me to perform. none of them really like me or want to be with me. I am fat and old. All they want is sex. And even if they do want to be with me, how can they be trusted? If i do chose to do something for me, I do not trust that I will be able to in a relationship. And that is why i ahven't had a date in what is it, 7 years?? I am soo fucking scared of men and unwilling to touch that deep, deep wound and face that crap that it seems easier to remain single. And that ain't too bad. I don't have to check in with anybody. I can do what i want. nobody to anser to. Most of the time ((MOST)) I am willing to suffer the loss of that level of intimacy in order to keep my fear and stuff locked away. On occassion, like today, I can get to feeling sorry for myself and beat myself up about my fear. It is trade-off and it is about what I am willing to do.
In other news, I am going to buy myself an X-Box for Chanukah. I wasn't sure which to by, an X-box or a PS2. They" re both the same price. I am opting for the x-box
posted by Queen Amy at 10:14 AM
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