I opened my mouth the other day and said to Angela that in the two situations where she is obsessing (job and Jackie) I wish she would stop, and look at her behavior around it, like instead of saying she stayed to long at the job and being a victim, but saying what behaviors did I act out on when I subconsciously, or consciously wanted to be fired so I could leave the job without making a choice. And the same for the Jackie thing, like the difference between saying I am a terrorist to Jackie is feeling terrorized, meaning she is scared of me and I have to look at what I did to exameine my behavior. And then the crap hit the fan. She blew up, said I was attacking her, said she couldn’t deal with it, I wasn’t trust worthy, that I am self-centered and controlling I live in filth like a pig. Then I degraded to personal attacks and mentioned my personel resentments about the lack of respect and the money thing,(which your right is minor), so she wanted examples, tangible examples, I of course couldn’t come up with any. I todl her I loved her and this was about love and program and about trying to help someone move forward and when was the last time she worked the steps and thens he said I don’t know what she talks to Oma or her counselor about and I have no right to attack her when she is totally stressed and etc etc, I told her I don’t care what she talks to them about, but I don’t see any changes. Then all of a sudden, it was about me and my behaviors, about what was going on with me that I am so ‘rightous’ , that I don’t have life of friends and I sit around and do nothing and play video games and my life is going downhill that is addictive behavior and I need to take care of that. So then (boy am I a bitch when I get prodded) I brought up her illnesses and it was decided (and agreed on by Paula) that I get triggered by caretaking my mom and by my own chronic deadly illness and I need counseling and Angela is not moving out, at least not this week, but maybe next month.
So, anyways, I feel like the whole thing got turned around so that I am the one with the issues. I am going to go to counseling. I made noises about it before but didn’t follow thru, not for what angela thinks is wrong with me but because I cannot for the life of me see why I couldn’t stand up for myself when it turned into an attack on Amy and I just buckled and cried and said yes, I am still deeply affected and guilty about not taking good car of my cancer-ridden mother and I hated her being sick all the time when I was a teenager and a young adult and ,,,,,,,,so there
