WOW

it has been like a long time since i updated you all on my life. Well, as far as feeling ill goes, i went to the doctors and had some tests, when i got home from work on friday there was a message to call them. Unfortunatley, i got home to late to call back, so i will call on monday.

This was a busy weekend. i went to the movies yeaterda with deanne and dave. we saw hide and seek, which wasn't too bad, and then we went to Kuraya's for dinner, which is always fabulous. then i came home and Jacque and Miranda were here and we stayed up and partied untill like 4am.

so today, i am beat and Angela and i are just sitting around chilling.

I am obsessed with Champions of norrath on my PS2. It is a pretty cool game

looking forward to March when i am scheduled for a week of vacation

I feel like crap

Really I do. I am exhausted and dizzy. Tired and cranky. I think the PBC is kicking my ass. I finally think it is time to surrender to the fact that (gulp) I Have cirrohsis. That i need to be kind to myself.

How does that make me feel? Shitty, emotionally. Like a misfit. Like an invalid. Myabe i will just ignore it still and just go about my day as I have been. Problem is that doens't seem to be working anymore. Problem is, i feel so crappy all the time I am finding it hard to deny my disease. Problem is this opersistent feeling of sickness is starting to invade my life. Like last night, after the meeting. People were going out for coffee and stuff. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. On a friday night at 10 pm I am sleeping. And to day is saturday and what do i want to do. SLEEP! yeah well

Tuesday Afternoon

Ahh the words to that song run thru my head......

so I have lost about 4 pounds so far! And it has been a huge struggle. I constantly want to eat more than I am allowing myself to and Sometimes i get horrible munchies and cravings. My addiction has really manifested it self in my eating thing. What I have found out is that I am not hungry, just unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

So I spoke with my new sponser Donna. I am going to be starting on a new round of working the steps on((ahem)) fear. More specifically, my fear of relationships and men. Why have i spent these last 10 years distancing myself from the opposite sex. I know that is why I have been reluctant to loose weight before. It will make me more desirable and I am not sure I want to go there. But I am. So, I start step One.

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable."

January 9, 2005, 10.24am

You know even though I sy i want to update my blog on a dialy basis, i never seem to be able to do it. I forget, or i get busy. Whatever.

So my past week haas been very stressful. I have been trying to diet and consumming an average of 1200 calories a day. How did i come to that number you ask? Well, you see, I have basically a sendentary lifestyle and any more and i maintain, so that number without changing anything else, such as activity level, will allow me to lose about a pound a week, which is not a bad goal. By counting calories, rather than carbs or fat, I can still eat the same foods,bread, meat, etc, just less. seems to be working i think i have lost a pound or two. it is gonna be a loong journey, but i am willing to hang on till the end

Friday night I asked Donna S.to be my new sponser. She is a woman that I have respected and been in awe of since i moved to Eugene. Hopefully I will be able to move forward in my recovery and learn new things with her as my guide.

Went to the casino in florence yesterday. i broke even. We had fun.

January 2, 2005

A new year. MY newyears eve was fun. we qwent to the dance and i had a great time. I was doing good with the diet stuff and then i had taco bell before dinenr. I am thinking about Jenny Craig. Going to buy my PS2 today