I have been sitting here at work for the last 10 minutes, quietly waiting for another phone call..ho hmm

so, I felt awful today. I was sick to my stomach and headachyand I have a sore throat and just generally yucky. I managed to make it thru the whole day. Now, I just have my general feeling of weakness running wildly thru my head, that feeling that tiny little electric shocks are running up and down my spine.

So, home life. I like having a roommate. I just sometimes don't like the way that things work. i don't like how she thinks she is the boss and what she says goes and how she is a hypochondriac. I like the compnay and the comraderie, but, i am not sure i can deal witht he rest.

Saturday after Thanksgiving. I had a great holiday!! Thanksgiving with Brooke and Donna and Henri and Floyd and Mikey and Emma and Greg..all the dinosaurs. I feel like one now, and, you know what I AM!! I am one of those people that I wanted to be with all the clean time that others look up to! It feels fabulous! We went to the meeting on Thursday at 22nd and Washington and newcomers were being deferential to ME!! And I had a whole harim of newcomer men around me!! It was wonderful to be sought after

Then yesterday I cooked a turkey for the friday night thingy in Creswell. It was a little dry, but good. nothing to say about that. it was as it was expexted to be.

Today I am suppsoe to go to Holiday amrket with Paulla and Dawn and maybe Angela, if Angela doesn't go to Oma's cabin. and I still have one more day off!! And I have one floating holiday I have to use before the end of the year or loose it!!

I am quietly reading my eamil the other day, and I get a response from this blog, so i read it!! and wonder of wonders!! It is Sue Harris!! An old Peace Corp Friend !! I am soo excited!! I spent an important couple of years in my life with her and to be able to be back in touch is a fabulous thing! I am totally amazed as to how the world moves around and around in circles.

Today is Thanksgiving. I am going over to Brooke's for dinner. Paulla is picking me up at around 12. I will get started on cooking the stuffing in a bit, but first I am enjoying my solitude.

And on that solitude..Angela came hoem from work yesterday because she had alot of pain. I was thinking back to the last few wedmesdays..she always comes home early on wednesday. And, she is always sick or in pain or every single physical thing is a huge disaster. Example, she was cooking a couple of days back and she cut her finger with a knife. So, of course a knife cut is a little bloody becuase if the knife is sharp it is like a razor and it bleeds a lot, but there isn't much cut. Anyways, she immediately thinks she has to go get stiches!!! I was like, JE__SUUUS is your finger hanging on by a thread...NO, then buck up, put a band-aid on it and continue cooking. I don't know. I think all those years watching my dearly departed mom die of cancer has kinda hardened me to anyone who is a hypochondriac or a drama queen. Watching someone really waste away changes you, your tolerance for others suffering is very short.

I am not a good caregiver, or rather I chose not to be

Sorry.., i stilll don't understand why I have to have a title. I am going to try to do this with out a title and see if it can be saved. My back is hurting me today. The pain of the strained muscles dulls my senses and every move I make sends shivers of excruciating feeling up and down my spine.

Weny shopping yesterday with Dawn and Hannah. Everything is back to normal. We went to Cuircuit City and I obsessed over spending my hard earned dollars on the X-Box. In the end I didn't. I am going to wait untill after X-mas. They may be less expensive then or perhaps, some store may have a sale. I still don't know which is better PS2 or X-Box. I am leaning towards the X-box, becuase it has better graphics,but PS2 has more and better games. Advice, Please.

Bought stuff to make turkey and stuffing, like 3/4 of America yesterday.

Saturday Morning

I need to update this blog more. I am being neglectful.

Creswell last night. Oma is being civil to be. I think she feels uncomfortable. I do not. Went out for coffee with Brooke and Paula after the meeting. I origianlly made 25 bucks paying video poker. Of course I kept hitting the damn button so I was back down to zero.

just signed up for elctoronic repayment of my newest student loan. I had one before and my pay got garnishes for not paying it and in that case they can take what they want. I ahve no problem setting up elctronic withdrawl. I mean if isend them a check, their gonna get my banking info anyways. The routing number and the account number are on the check.

It makes my life easier to do it electronically than paper checks.

The cat puked on my shoes

and on my pants and on what else I am not sure. i didn't see it untill I got to work and saw this yucky stuff on my shoes. I did see some cat puke on the rug this morn and I thought nothing of it becuase the cat always pukes. I forgot all my good clothes are one the floor becuae of the bar falling down in the closet. So, now, I have yucky reddish yucky on my shoes on my pants and on what else? I don't know. I will have to go home and see

new schedule for me 9am--6pm. Interensting

Got on the elevator and I saw a guy from my old job. He was one of those that said he would never work in a call center again and he is working downstairs at the CU. heee heee

Ok, so,

Sunday morning. I like Sundays. I like the fact that I don't have to do anything and that i can sit around and be lazy.

Went to the Holiday market-y thing at the Fairgrounds with dawn yesterday. Bought myself a leather coat for 50 bucks at the close out sale they also had going on there. I needed a new coat. I have that suede one that Dan bought for me when I worked at New Horizons, but that one is incredibly hot and I have my destroyed motorcycle jacket and my green parka, but I didn't have a nice coat. Now, I have one. It was cool hanging out with Dawn again. I do miss her company, and I don't care what Angela has to say about that. She says she is gonan quit group. I don't think she can take the criticism. We do tend to group her a lot. But, she needs a lot of help. I think it is an Oma thing. Do I have a resentment? YES. Do I care? Some what. My ego is still bruised from that whole thing with her (Oma). I mean she was my sponser and the fact that I "don't have her back" has absoluteluy nothing to do with sponser/sponsee relationship, which is suppose to be about working the steps and learning about how to stay clean. She can't trust me she says..because I disagreed with her opinion that night months ago in the business meeting about what is a group concisious. Trust? I already ahve a hard enough time trusting people and getting vulnerable enough to bear my soul and this hasn't fixed that. I need to work on letting this go and moving on. I need a new sponser. I am torn on who to ask. Maybe Donna S? Or go with asking a man so I can work on my non-trust issue with men.

Oh and then men thing. All I ever wanted was for one fo them to think me special, to put me in a speical, reseved place in their heart. To ove and cherish me above all else. To not abuse me. To play nice. To be appreciative when I give my all to them. To take my vulnerable inner self and treat it with respect. What did I get?? pain and humiliation. hospital visit and addiction. betrayal and lies. abuse. usuary. From my dad and then from kevin. Is it no wonder that starting a relatinship with a man scares the shit out of me? I mean I got a lot of baggage. here. I get Flashbacks during sex from the sexual abuse and deviant acts my wondeful husband forced me to perform. none of them really like me or want to be with me. I am fat and old. All they want is sex. And even if they do want to be with me, how can they be trusted? If i do chose to do something for me, I do not trust that I will be able to in a relationship. And that is why i ahven't had a date in what is it, 7 years?? I am soo fucking scared of men and unwilling to touch that deep, deep wound and face that crap that it seems easier to remain single. And that ain't too bad. I don't have to check in with anybody. I can do what i want. nobody to anser to. Most of the time ((MOST)) I am willing to suffer the loss of that level of intimacy in order to keep my fear and stuff locked away. On occassion, like today, I can get to feeling sorry for myself and beat myself up about my fear. It is trade-off and it is about what I am willing to do.

In other news, I am going to buy myself an X-Box for Chanukah. I wasn't sure which to by, an X-box or a PS2. They" re both the same price. I am opting for the x-box

New Post ((origianlly called NO title but, renamed for plagarism reasons))

So this was my first week of work on the phones. How overwhelmed I am feeling there!! I am not 100% comfortable with the program and how it works and now I have to help people that have problems using it! I am slowly plodding my way thru, knowing in a few weeks I will be an expert. It seems wierd that Darren is still my supervisor and I am sure if i am ok with that.

Went to my meeting last night, no Oma again. Seems she is dating a married man and goes down to Medford now on the weekends to meet up with him. HUMMMMM. Talk about bad behavior. Oh and she kicked her husband out. Double Hummmmm.

Brooke asked me if she should start her own blogg. Of course I said YES

Oh and...

So, remember a few posts ago i was all upset about dawn and Oma and about how I felt? Well, it seems, a whole lot of people are very concerned about both of them and their behaviors!! I feel kinda vindicated, like it had less to do with me and more to do with them and there crap.

I have sat here all day at work and done absolutely nothing!!

Monday

The start of a new week. Monday morning blues. Today, at work, we are suppose to be taking calls, "nesting" it is called. We are suppose to take calls with out mentors monitoring us and with a help desk person sitting by us. However, the IT people here do not have our user ID's or phone extensions or a lot of that stuff hooked up for us. Nothing is working. It is very frustrating. So, I am wasting time reading the news, email and all that

So yesterday was group. it was only the four of us, the 3 original memebrs ((Paulla, Josie and me)) and Angela. No Felicia and no Dawn. Felicia had family obligations and Dawn is being weird. Nobody has seen Dawn lately or heard from her. And Paulla called her house and Carl said he didn't know where she was ?!?! I just don't know! I am concerned about her. This is definely using behavior. I am going to give her a call and tell her I am concerned

No New Prez

So, my candidate did not win the election yesterday. How much, on a personal level, does this effect me? Actually, not really a lot. My day-to-day existence does not really change, nor does what happens to me change either. Because I am in a lower tax bracket, my tax doesn't change.

On a personal note, my life is good. I like my new job and I think that I will do better here than ECE. I have learned many lessons there, not the least of which is that I need to be professional and keep my emotions out of the phone.