June 30, 2004

Last day of the month. Tonmorrow will be July.

I have Friday and Tuesday off. I will be busy moving this weekend.

today at work they gave us a BBQ. It's like keep the lambs going to slaughter happy. feed them. We are probably going to have lots and lots of OT untill we are closed. I am not too happy about that.

I am feelign a little odd today, kinda out-of sorts

Well

Two songs keep running thru my head

"And, now, the end is near and so swe face the final curtain..."
And, "Here i sit alone in my room.."

I will be so much more happy when I move and have a roommate. I am very tired of these long weekends and the silence of my own 4 walls

Bad thing... the check I gave the rental company for the 15 dollar processing fee for my app on the new apartment bouced!!, Not a good first impression. It must have bounced yesterday night (they process checks overnight nin some indian location) and my paycheck was deposited this morn. oh well.

The meeting last night was ok. I get so tired sometimes of some peoples enforced perkiness, i just want to scream "STOP IT!!"". I am suppose to be the birthday cake baker, and it was Matt's 3-yrs, but nobody ever called me.

Brooke says Kayla is having a nervous breakdown because she and Gregg are getting divorced. They have been getting a divorce for like, 2 years. Greg is already moved out and in his own place and Kayla has been dating, so whats the big deal??? Kayla can't deal with it?? She has 5, count'em five, kids from 5 different men!!!!!I am the one with the real, not imagined crisis right now!!! I want, demand! support. I am an emotional wreck, I am moving and I am loosing my job!! I guess I am just better balanced than Kayla.

What's up with all this character assination today???
I had scheduled Vacation days at work to relax and regroup, seems my 'pychic power' had some preternatural thingy and i get to use them for moving..

Maybe maybe maybe, if we qualify for displace workers i canmove to Alaska. I have to think about that one.

This getting long......................

NO JOB!!!

So,
We are getting laid off. As of 8/23/04, I may no longer ahve a job. I feel pretty shitty about this. Since I ahve moved my sorrya ss to Oregon, I think I have spent more time looking for a job than working. I think I should'a staying in RI and worked for RIBC. By now I would have 20 years in, damn that is a long time.

The good news is that my new roomie Anglea and i are moving into a very nice apartment on Oakpatch. the rent will be cheaper so there is no reason not to move, but still, being unemployed sucks!!!

Today

And so, another weekend is upon us. I waste so much time waiting for my two days off a week. But, I love having the time to sit around and play and sleep and not rush out of the house to catch the bus so early in the morning. I like the laziness slower pace the weekend affords.

What\hat are the Queen's plans, you may be asking. Well, I have to walk up to Blockbuster to return some movies that are WAY over due. I probably could have purchased them for what it is gonna cost me in late fees. And then just have a leisurely day. I am suppose to go to the movies with Lorraine this evening, so that'll be cool
. And tomorrow I have an executive committee meeting for PNW. Kind of a nice relaxing few days off

Tuesday

So, I have been working on updating my blog linking an what not. I forgot how much I like coding in java and html. It made me think about that webpage for flatline that I never finished. Damn my irresponsibility!!!!!!

Going to the mall after work to buy a new pair of sandals. It is either buy new shoes or get my birkies resoled. I elect to buy new shoes. Always, buy new shoes. Or maybe, go to the "Recovery by the River" meeting.... Nah, Retail therapy!!!!

Haven't started writing on that first step. I have been putting it off for the same reason I have been putting off working on the issue itself. I am afraid to let go. If let go of him I am totally alone. Totally. Totally single and unloved ((Waaahhhh))
If I work thru this and face the pain and the fear and the negative patterns, then it will be something else.....

enough for now

Sunday

So, I am feeling better today. Yesterday I hung out with Deanna and Dave. My good friends. They seem to be doing good. They have a new enterprise, they re breeding dogs, Rhodesian Ridgebacks to be exact. Kinda cool. They are always doing something.

Anyways, we went to Saturday Market and I saw a lot of people I know there. Floyd, for one and some guys from work. and then we went to the movies and saw "The Stepford Wives" Pretty good light entertainment.

I am going to a memorial this aft for a friend that passed away from HepC. "Makes me wanna cry" (can anyone guess what that line is from??

Today

So
Last night i had a long talk with my sponser. It was after i shared some stuff in the meeting about what's been going on with me...how i have been feeling lost,sad,lonely and depressed, and how i have been having thoughts about using and how i called Kevin. I didn't want to talk to him. I only wanted to hear his voice and I did on his anwsering machine. That made me get the same kind of adreniline rush that i always get when it comes to him.

But anyways, after i shared she said she was sad. first that i was struggling and in a bad place and that i was having thoughts about using and secondly that she was sad that i had called K and not called her or someone else in my support group and that if that is what i was gonna do then, maybe she shouldn't be my sponser.

well that started me on a emotional rollercoaster of feelings. i become weepy (and i NEVER cry) and unsure of myself and i felt awful. then after the meetinfg we had a long talk in her truck. she wanted to know why i didn't trust her and i told her that i am afraid to tell her some stuff because i am afraid of her reactiona nd how she will treat me. i don't like to be told that my actions/thoughts are wrong and that i need to shape up. she then said that if i am blamming her for my stuf than she really couldn't be my sponser. so, i cried and moaned and we talked it out. i get to work a new round of the steps, starting at step 1...We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and our lives were unmanageable....out of the step working guide. Actually, i am very happy about this. i had wanted to work the steps from 1-12 with her from when i first asked her to be my sponser so that i have a save way to show her all my ugly nooks and cranies.

I don't know. did i want attention?? Why did i share that about calling Kev?? when i actuallity i have been calling his machine and listening to his f****** up messages for ever?? did i want attention since i wasn't the queen of the night?? did i want a crisis?? I think i am really finally after all this time ready to let go of his sorry abusive addictive ass. that means totally letting go of everything. forgiving him and forgiving myself for loving him. i know that once i can accomplish that i will be opne to a new relationship with a man and as long as i continue to hold on to him i have no place in my heart or head for anyone.

It is so hard to let him go. we were together for sooo long, almost 20years. And although i have had sex with countless other men, he was my only true lover, my only boyfriend my only husband, the only man, i have ever loved. and i felt like, as he did, we were soulmates. that is one of those things that only happens once in a life time, abuse or not.

Comments?? Feedback???

First Post

So this is kinda cool, posting here on the internet.

I am very glad it is Friday, Wooo hoooo!! Hoping for a weekend full of relaxation, and at the same time, stuff to do. I am tired of my boring life. It sucks being single and living alone. Like last weekend, I spent almost the whole weekend by myself. I mean, most people stay at home on a rainy sunday and it isn't a problem. Except, when you live alone (and don't drive) on a rainy sunday, the only sound I hear is the pitter-patter of little cat feet. Now, I know, i did make the choice not to call anody or go to Steve's for his b-day party of Felicia's for her sons graduation party, but damn it!! I want to whine and feel sorry for myself

Sometimes, only when I allow myself to be a victim can i feel real emotion. other wise i tend to cruise thru life without ever feeling anything too deeply. not sadness, not happiness. I think that oen of the reasons i used drugs for sooooo long, because it helped me to feel